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| Special Features: |
Languages: English
Subtitles: English, Korean, Spanish
Sound: Dolby Digital (2.0 Surround) |
| Video Format: |
Full Frame (1.33:1)
[SS-SL]
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| Languages: |
English (Dolby Digital 2.0)
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| Subtitles: |
English, Spanish, Korean
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| Captions: |
Yes
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| Casing: |
1-Disc Keep Case
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Okay, so you're watching a vampire movie, and there's this priest who is keeping his sister-in-law and his niece (both of whom are vampires) locked in room on the second floor of his house. Anyway, this high school teacher comes over to the priest's house, and the priest tells him the whole story about how his sister-in-law and his niece are vampires and how he has them locked up in a room on the second floor, and then just to prove to the high school teacher that he isn't lying, he takes him upstairs and shows him. So, the high school teacher is scared as hell until the priest lets him know that the two vampires are locked securely in the room, and can't get out to hurt him. Then, the priest and the high school teacher go downstairs, and the priest tells the high school teacher all about vampires and how much power they have and how they can turn themselves into mist and stuff like that, and. . .
Wait a second.
Did somebody just say that vampires can turn themselves into mist?
Does this sound like a joke about priests and high school teachers and vampires? Are you waiting for the punchline? Well, there is no punchline, but there certainly is a joke, and that joke is called, "Children of the Night," a "Fangoria Films" production that came out in 1992 and should have stayed in 1992. It never should have made its way into my DVD player. Karen Black and Garrett Morris never should have agreed to do this film. The film never should have been made in the first place.
In case you're wondering, the vampires never turn themselves into mist and escape from the room. They con their way out. Sort of like how I was conned out of 92 minutes of my life by watching this film.
A cool looking coaster that has a "movie" on it. Funny what they can do nowadays, isn't it?
Picture Quality: 6/10
Poorly transferred, poorly photographed, poorly done all around.
Sound Quality: 6/10
Abysmal. Muffled, VHS quality sound. They really pulled out all the stops on this one. Perhaps they knew just how bad the movie was, and decided they didn't need to spend any time on technical quality. Smart move.
Easter Eggs:
None found.
Extra Features: 0/10
No extra features. There's not even really a movie.
The Final Word:
So bad, it makes "Gigli" seem good. Watch "Trilogy of Terror" and "House of 1000 Corpses" just to remind yourself of how awesome Karen Black is.
Michael Dziura
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