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Better Off Dead
by Rusty White
Like a bad crystal meth high that you can't come down from, "The Mummy Returns" starts out in high gear and never slows down. Missing are all of the original film's charm, humor and characterization. In place of any respect for what made audiences love the first film, the sequel's creators have taken a "bigger is better" approach which falls flat. If you thought "Twister" was great film entertainment then you just might like this piece of fluff. For those who liked the first film, beware "The Mummy" has returned, and you can smell the stench of death in almost every frame.
The shame of this whole situation is that there are some interesting ideas lost in the muddle. It seems there was a warrior called the Scorpion King (The Rock) who was raising a ruckus in ancient Egypt. After a sound defeat at the hands of the army of Thebes, the Scorpion King and his men are driven into the desert. After all his men have died under the cruel desert sun, Scorpie cries out to the god Anubis. He sells his soul in return for life. Anubis causes an oasis to sprout from the desert to sustain old Scorpie. Anubis puts the good king in charge of his army of hounds from hell, and they lay waste to the land. Once victory is complete, Anubis causes the army to return to dust and Scorpie is sent to a limbo land where he has to wait for 5,000 years before he can rise up and conquer the land again. All of this takes place in the films first five minutes. The Rock is not seen again for the rest of the film. Sorry WWF fans. Since Anubis has wiped out mankind, why return to the underworld? Why not stay above ground and rule his evil empire? Hell if I know. Like most of this movie, you aren't supposed to think about this obvious plot hole.
Jump forward to 1933. Rick O'Connell (Brendan Fraser) and his wife Evie (Rachel Weisz) are exploring the ruins which hold the key to the Scorpion King's resurrection. In tow, they have brought their adorable (not!) child Alex (Freddie Boath.) Alex is smarter than his Mom and tougher than his Dad. I knew I was in for trouble when the filmmakers played the cute kid card. It seems that Mom has been having dreams which led her to the vault which contains the Scorpion King's bracelet. Back at the city of the dead, Ardeth Bay (Oded Fehr) leads an expedition to find the transmogrified remains of Im-Ho-Tep (Arnold Vosloo). Assisting in the excavation is Anck-Su-Namun (Patricia Velazquez) the reincarnated lover of Im-Ho-Tep. She was the painted naked lady from the first film.
Turns out that 1933 is the year of the Scorpion. The good king will be resurrected along with his army. If someone can kill the king, they will rule the army of Anubis, and can rule the world. Ardeth Bay wants to revive Im-Ho-Tep because he is the only one bad enough to take The Rock. Who will win? Who cares?
There was one great idea which connects the two films involving Evie's dreams. This one gem is lost in a miasma of bad ideas, bad execution, unfunny humor, and all around audience insulting film-making. Who's to blame? The writing is poor. The look and pacing of the original has been replaced with "Matrix" like cinematography. The computer generated special effects are sub-par. I saw members of opposing armies run right through each other as if they were ghosts. The film never slows down to allow you to catch your breath. Maybe the film's creators were afraid to slow down so that the audience would realize that the emperor has no clothes.
I say the blame should be laid at the feet of writer/director Stephen Sommers and those who trusted him with this project. Ultimately, the one to blame for this mess will be the audience if they make "The Mummy Returns" a hit. Avoid this movie and send Hollywood the economic message that we won't be taken for granted. They did it right the first time around. This time they were in just for the money.
Rusty White, 2001
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