You might think that a movie, which derives its main characters from the annals of great literature, might have some sign of an intelligent script. If you thought that you would be very wrong. You might think the director of the excellent movie "Blade" would be able to translate a script into a fast paced action film. Again you would be wrong. You would think that an individual with Sean Connery's clout, acting as executive producer would be able to chose his projects wisely and then control the execution of said project. Again you would have thought wrong. "The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen" has to be the biggest disappointment of the summer. Fantasy adventure fans can gnash their teeth because this film's failure will only make it harder for other such genre films to get made.

How bad is "The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen" you ask? It is "Ishtar" bad. The plot is mundane. The script is amateurish at best. The special effects are ridiculous. There is no sense of awe or wonderment. The film is poorly photographed. The characters are of the cardboard variety. Humor is almost completely absent. The film will insult the intelligence of anyone well read enough to catch all of the literary allusions, and will bore and confuse those who are not. Even Sean Connery lacks any charisma in this gargantuan flop. On to the plot.

The year is 1899. An evil genus called "the Phantom" is pushing the nations of Europe toward the brink of war. The silver-masked heavy has his minions carry out a raid in England dressed as German soldiers, and a raid in Germany dressed as British soldiers. The Phantom kidnaps all of Germany's scientists and sets them to building a huge arsenal, which he will profit from once war finally comes.

This threat calls for extraordinary talent to win the battle of Good vs. Evil. 'M' (Richard Roxburgh) summons the people best suited to fight the Phantom. The British bureaucrat summons big game hunter Allan Quartermain (Sean Connery), "Dracula" vampiress Mina Harker (Peta Wilson), Captain Nemo (Naseeruddin Shah), Dr. Henry Jekyll and his brutish counterpart Edward Hyde (Jason Flemyng), Dorian Gray (Stuart Townsend) and Rodney Skinner(Tony Curran), the guy who stole the formula from the Invisible Man. Just to prove that the Americans are no dummies, they send a Secret Service Agent to England to infiltrate the group. No, they don't send James West, they send special agent Sawyer (Shane West). You know, that great Missouri super spy, Sawyer, Tom Sawyer! The funniest thing about this totally unfunny movie is that Tom Sawyer's first name is not mentioned one time in the film.

Once the team is assembled, they board Captain Nemo's Titanic sized submarine the Nautilus, and head for Venice to protect the leaders of Europe who are meeting there to try and avert war. I was amazed at the size of Nemo's submarine. Nemo also has a huge automobile bigger than many of the great sedans of the 1940s. This is 1899 remember. With the technology Nemo possesses, it doesn't make sense that Europe should feel threatened by a Phantom with a few tanks. The Nautilus is also equipped with ballistic missiles!

You may think that I am being too harsh on this film. Again, you would be wrong. I love this type of fantasy film. As I watched this big-budget fiasco, I longed for a movie like "Time After Time" in which H.G. Wells (Malcolm McDowell) chased Jack the Ripper (David Warner) to modern day San Francisco via his Time Machine. I longed for the humor and innocence of Speilberg's classic "Raiders of the Lost Ark." I longed for some NoDoz! "The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen" takes itself entirely too seriously. This should be a fun movie ALA "Raiders." Instead we are subjected to almost two hours of inane situations and characters we don't care about.

Visually the movie is appalling. Darkness worked for Mr. Norrington in "Blade." Here, darkness just makes what goes on hard to see. There are a number of martial arts fights and shootouts. Did I mention that the Phantom's henchmen all carry 1899 versions of the Mac-10 sub-machinegun! The action sequences are filmed in extreme close-up with quick cut editing. Several of the sequences are so blurry that you can not tell what is happening. Another major set piece involves a shoot out in a library. So much paper rains down on the participants that again, you can't see what is happening. This may be intentional as to hide just how Tom Sawyer, with a bolt action Winchester rifle can out shoot a score of Uzi toting badguys. Of course, he isn't as amazing as Captain Nemo who out fights this blaze of flying lead with a scimitar!

The CGI effects are also bad. They are almost as bad as those found in "The Mummy Returns." The aforementioned submarine, the Nautilus really is as big as the Titanic. It also has the characteristics of a small bass boat in that it displaces so little water that it can easily glide through the canals of Venice. A Semi Tractor-Trailer driving down the edge of a curb would be less ridiculous. During another scene, the Submarine surfaces from a power dive. The bow of the ship rises a hundred feet in the air before crashing back to the sea. All of the water from the boat hangs in the air rather than fall back to sea with the submarine. Then the water in the air just disappears. This is the lack of attention to detail, which shows a calculating filmmaker who doesn't care about his audience. There are a multitude of other CGI goofs and inconsistencies but you get the idea. Also, if you thought you would have to wait for the sequel to see more of "The Hulk" you don't have to! The CGI character of Mr. Hyde is just like the Hulk, without the green makeup. Very hokey effects.

When it comes right down to it, you would be better off donating a couple of hours of service to your local homeless shelter than spending two hours watching this horrible movie. Come to think of it, the world would be a better place too. If any folks did that, they would be the true league of extraordinary gentlemen (and ladies!)

Rusty White, 2003