Was I trying to hide in the shadowy corner of the theater? Yes. Was I doing so for an evil purpose? No. After viewing the original Spy Kids the evening before, I was embarrassed to be seen at the viewing of the aforementioned cinematic abomination’s sequel. Unbelievably, SK2 kept me cringing at its ridiculousness at an even greater pace than its forefather.

     The story picks up where SK1 left off, with OSS developing a new Spy Kids division centered around the prior success of our protagonists, Carmen and Juni Cortez (Alexa Vega and Daryl Sabara). Thrown into the mix are a new breed of Spy Kids, Gary and Gerti Giggles (Matthew O’Leary and Emily "I’m not Haley Joel" Osment). The two sets of sibling spies vie for the top job assignments, namely the UKATA mission. As you might have already guessed, the fate of the entire world rests on the tiny shoulders of our pre-pubescent heroes as they attempt to locate the elusive Transmooker Device before the evil Donnagan (Mike Judge), father of the Giggles kids. As an added obstacle, said Transmooker Device is located on a remote island inhabited by scores of mutated, cross-bred animals, courtesy of wacky scientist Romero (Steve Buscemi).

     Visually, the film vaguely reminds one of Willie Wonka, with a splash of Inspector Gadget. There are enough secret gadgets and gizmos to make any eight-year-old’s mind race with thoughts of becoming a super-spy. The mutant animals on the lost island, whether intentionally campy or not, remind one of the absurd claymation monsters of the ‘60s and 70s. Think of the dinosaurs in the original television show Land of the Lost. If Rodriguez (Desperado, The Faculty) was going for the trippy-ness of Wonka, however, I think he should have ingested more hallucinogens before attempting such a feat. The approach falls flat, and actually made me feel ashamed for Rodriguez.

     Both Vega (Twister, Ghosts of Mississippi) and Sabara appear to have some potential in the acting arena. Although the dialogue and jokes are beyond ludicrous, the actors themselves seem to have some talent bubbling below the surface. As for the Giggles kids, O’Leary (Domestic Disturbance, Frailty) is adequate as a smart-aleck hotshot, and Osment (Cast and Crew) a decent sidekick. Unfortunately for Osment, however, her resemblance to her older brother is so striking that if the male Osment donned a pony-tailed wig, one could not tell the difference between the two. Buscemi’s performance is not among his best, but who could top his above-reproach performances in Reservoir Dogs and Happy (the best comedy of all time) Gilmour? Antonio Banderas (The Mask of Zorro, Interview With the Vampire) and Carla Gugino (The One, Welcome Home Roxy Carmichael) look as if they are wondering to themselves "has my career really come to this?"

     Although I may sit here and critique Rodriguez’s work to my wit’s end, he will no doubt laugh all the way to the bank. There are enough poop and burp jokes to make Beavis and Butthead blush (and ironically, Mike Judge plays the role of Donnagan in the movie). The story is one only a fanciful 6-12 year-old could fathom, but isn’t that this movie’s intended audience? I am now a dumber human being for having wasted two hours of my existence viewing this film, but Rodriguez’s formula will no doubt work magic with the youth of our nation. Yipes.

Chuck Boring, 2002