In the immortal words of Charlie Brown, “Oh, good grief!” Set for nation-wide release this Friday, John McTiernan’s Basic plays Lucy to the audience’s good-natured Chuck, yanking the football away from the viewers each time they near the point of contact. I seriously doubt, however, that many in the viewing public will play Basic’s game once word spreads of McTiernan’s (Die Hard, Rollerball(doh!)) ill-conceived cheap “twists.” The schizophrenic film plays initially as a half-baked Tom Clancy thriller, then awkwardly switches into a shameless The Usual Suspects rip-off. Although the war angle (coincidental timing?) will be sure to drag a few patriotic citizens through the turnstiles, the “more-confusing-than-an-Iraqi-Republican-Guard-in-civilian-clothes” story will make audiences long for the “simplicity” of modern warfare.

The story begins with an elite group of Army Rangers embarking on a top-secret training mission in Panama’s wilderness. Under the direction of cutthroat leader Sgt. West (Samuel L. Jackson), the group plunges into the hurricane-blown jungles of Panama to perform the exercise, but only two trainees emerge from the jungle alive. Unable to unwrap the mystery of what occurred in the wild, Chief Warrant Officer Pete Wilmer (Timothy Daly) calls on the services of Tom Hardy (John Travolta), a former Ranger and interrogator of renown skill (but currently operating outside the armed forces under the cloud of a bribery scandal). Hardy teams with the Army base’s chief inquisitor Lt. Julia Osborne (Connie Nielsen) to glean some sense of the truth from the two survivors, but their stories have more holes than a sieve. Thus, the intrigue and action ensues.

The patchwork script of Basic is the main flaw of the film, and it is a glaring one. Despite the hammy one-liners uttered by Travolta (Grease, Pulp Fiction) and Nielsen (Gladiator, One Hour Photo), the first third of the movie at least keeps the viewers attention. The trouble begins, however, with flashbacks to action omitted from the original story. Where The Usual Suspects excelled, Basic miserably fails: instead of tying the story together with subtle hints and differing perspectives, it confuses and tricks the audience with overt-symbolism and patently false recollections. In the end, McTiernan’s pointless trickery leaves one pondering the issue of whether to finish the final kernels of his extra-butter popcorn, oblivious to (and frankly uninterested in) the film’s ridiculous dénouement.

Acting, or should I say over-acting, is the only somewhat-redeeming thing about this film (and that’s not saying much). One seeking respite from the serious overtones of today’s world will find it in the nonsensical behavior and preposterous dialogue of one John Travolta. His role as Tom Hardy (even an ultra-cheezy name) rivals that of his Battleground Earth performance. Fertile ground for laughs at the expense of what Vinnie Barbarino has become. The most riveting scene involving Nielsen is the credit-scroll. Her “take me serious, damnit” portrayal of Lt. Osborne qualifies as Mystery Science Theater 3000 fodder. Samuel L. Jackson’s (Pulp Fiction, A Time to Kill) role as the tough-as-nails Sgt. West is entertaining, and if I were cast amongst this lot of wretched performances I would call them bad names and haze them as well.

The cinematography, which usually diverts the viewer from plot-lines in action flicks, is just as choppy and confusing as the story. Judging from audience response, the most eye-catching scene captures Travolta emerging shirtless from the shower. Note to Johnny boy: next go-round, less time in the gym, more time honing those acting skills buddy.

Cliff Note version: don’t go, unless one of the following applies:

1) You thought the film Anaconda was robbed in the Oscar category for best drama, or

2) You enjoy throwing money into sewers and fishing said cash out by hand, only to burn said cash moments later. Back to “War TV” for me!

Chuck Boring, 2003